My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
