so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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