Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
