ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
