I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
