Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
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i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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