I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.