she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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