My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize