Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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