i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
