Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
