Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
