guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
