i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
