I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
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Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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