true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
