dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
