finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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