I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
