I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
