So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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