smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
