I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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