there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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