I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
