does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
