Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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