Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
