please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
