Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
