why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
