i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i need some magic done to my vagina
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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