This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
