Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
