Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
