i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
