masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
