thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
