my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
