I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
