i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
