So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
