so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
