so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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