I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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