sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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