sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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