I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
