Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
