so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
